Saturday, April 18, 2009

Teabagging Texans' Treasonous Talk

Whew!

I’ve been looking for a valid excuse to use the term
“Teabagging Texans” ever since a trip to Dallas I took
with James Kelley in August of 1974 in that un-air
conditioned welding truck to pick up a piece of drill steel.

As Arkies, we weren’t treated very well. I should say,
“I” wasn’t treated very well. James had the worldliness
and maturity to keep his mouth shut when being insulted
by the Texicans, but, being a kid of 19, I had not acquired
that ability. All that stuff about marrying sisters and not owning shoes from those smug rednecks just rubbed me the wrong way. Of course I “owned” shoes. It was just too damn hot to wear them in that truck, in Texas, in August.

The capper, I suppose, was when we stopped at a gas station, to pay them good Arkansas money for filling up the truck, and that cow-loving three-toothed attendant growled “We don’t need your Arkansas trash here” as I carried the soft drink cans and potato chip bags from the floorboard to put in the receptacle, conveniently located there between the pumps – apparently missing the “Texans Only” sign.

When I walked briskly toward the duck-tailed greaser, screaming all the obscenities I had learned growing up in a rock quarry (a rich vocabulary that remains with me to this day), Ol’ Eli grabbed me by my flowing blonde locks, flung me back into the truck and kicked the door shut. I had no problem messing with the Texan, but I wasn’t going to tangle with Kelley.

As the years went by, I don’t recall a single good thing that ever happened to me in the Republic of Texas. The only time I was ever “bumped” from an airplane, after boarding and sitting on a tarmac for two hours, was in Dallas. The only time I ever sat for three hours in a traffic jam, in 103 degree heat? Dallas. The only time I ever stepped out of an airport at midnight with a country music fiddle player, to catch a smoke while waiting for a replacement flight crew that they had to call and wake up to come to work – and got locked out of the place? Well, you know where it was.

Jimmy Buffett was right. Pass it by.

So, on April 15, while watching clips of all the Fox News staged “tea parties”, on another network, I could swear I saw that Goober Pyle gas station dipstick in one of those crowds, still wearing the same uniform. He looked 35 years older, but I don’t believe he had washed that shirt yet. Same nametag. “Bud”. Somebody else must have spelled it for him.

Then, here comes Texas Governor, Rick Perry, echoing the now too-familiar veiled threat, as so brilliantly espoused by the well-known intellectual, Chuck Norris, that, if things didn’t start meeting with their approval, Texas might just pick up its marbles and secede from the Union. That right, Perry (and Norris) explained, is in their state constitution.

First of all, there seems to be some disagreement regarding whether the Lone Star State could legally secede from the United States. From some of the information I have read, they actually do have in that document the right to split into five separate states – which would have saved us all a lot of grief if they had done in the first place. Second, a US Supreme Court ruling, sometime around 1869, I believe, was that they did not have the right of secession.

In the middle of the 19th Century, there were seven southern states (including Texas) that declared they were bailing out because they didn’t like the way things were going politically, and they obviously thought they had the right to do that. When a bearded hippie liberal president took exception and called up troops to quash the revolt, they were joined by four more states – one of them being Arkansas, whose trash is not welcomed elsewhere.

That didn’t work out too well for the secessionists.

But I’m thinking “Can’t we all just get along?”

If the treasonous Texans want to leave, can’t we just wish them well, and warn them about Oklahoma hitting them on the rear-end on their way out the door? Can we box up Mike Huckabee and ship him down there to live with his buddy, President Chuck Norris?
And Secretary of the Interior, Bud. In fact, with all that room they have down there, and have always gloated about, couldn’t we just let all the whining crybaby losers of the last presidential election take up residence in the new country? They would all be so happy there. And, really, don’t we want everybody to be happy?

It will take a bunch of wire and even more labor to build a fence around that place to keep all them Texicans from sneaking into the United States to steal our jobs. The US will have to do it, because the Texicans will be busy working on their own fence down south. That, in itself, would probably be sufficient to stimulate our economy.

Just a thought. While ya’ll are thinking it over, I’ll be looking for a good passport photo camera. I’m seeing a potential opportunity for business expansion.

Now, where’d I put those shoes?

© 2009, Rick Baberhttp://www.rickbaber.com

18 comments:

Greg Camp said...

While I give the Texans points for knowing about the Boston Tea Party, I do have to wonder whether it would have been more appropriate for them to dump salsa made in New York City into Galveston Bay. Tea doesn't strike me as much of a sacrifice for the Texicans.

RhoRho said...

The only thing good to ever come from Texas.... Austin music.

otisj said...

Maybe they could build a wall around Austin, like the Vatican, and make it a separate country.

Anonymous said...

So you want all republicans to leave the US and move to the new country of Texas? How about all you pussy libs moving to France and we will just keep all of America?

Greg Camp said...

Actually, Anonymous, if you read the articles on this subject carefully, you'll see that it's some of the Republicans of Texas who are contemplating leaving the US of A. I'm not familiar with the Pussy Lib Party, but I haven't heard any Democrats telling anyone to leave.

Laying that aside, I also point out that this is not a single party comment section, nor does this weblog appear to be in complete harmony with any side. Idiocy is not limited to one end of the political spectrum. If you recall that an idiot in ancient Greece was someone who could not function in public, you may agree that the idiots hold an overwhelming majority in all branches of government.

Rick Baber said...

"The Pussy Lib Party"
I like that.
I bet they'd let us use it in France.

fubuddy said...

This is precisely the kind of divisive dialog that keeps republicans and democrats hating each other.
I love it.
Fuck a bunch of republicans. Let them all move to Texas and choke on their oil and cow dung. I have known thousands of them in my life and never found one that was worth a damn. Greedy, evil bastards who are motivated only by money and power who know how to manipulate the gullible masses to get what they want. Hopefully the remaining non-republicans in Texas will have the good sense to move out rather than become indentured servants.

Rick Baber said...

Thanx FU, for your candid, yet carefully considered words of encouragement.
I gotta tell you, though, that even I disagree that all REpugnikuns are evil. Actually, living in NW Arkansas, some of my best friends consider themselves REpugs, and I think that, at their cores, they're good folk. They just seem to get stuck on personal issues that appeal directly to them, and fall for the REpug line, and assume that makes them one of them. Know what I mean? A lot of them are convinced that, because I agree with them on some limited subjects, I am a closet REpugnikun. Of course, that's not true, because, on balance, I think the Dems (of the two) better represent my beliefs.
I used to blog on a REpug-dominated blogsite, where there were some insightful, intelligent REpugs, making their cases. Some of those, I know, spend a good deal of their time & money on charitable causes. So, could they be ALL bad?
Besides, I thought this subject was about hating TEXICANS.
Too serious? Too introspective?
OK. Fuck 'em all!

Anonymous said...

saw your facebook teaser.
here's the reason more people don't come here to comment: the articles are too long. most don't have time to read something that long.
thanks

Anonymous said...

O,btw,
fku2

Anonymous said...

Good riddance if Texas decides to go. I'm totally with you on this one.

Now, what are we going to do about this stupid swine flu?

betsy

Greg Camp said...

The articles are too long? I suppose that length must be judged in relation to the standard of one's choosing, but these articles are around the five-hundred word mark, give or take, and they certainly are better than a good many of the dreaded five paragraph clunkers that I've read over the years.

Greg Camp said...

It just occurred to me that there might be one unintended benefit from Texas independence. If Texas secedes and then builds a navy, then perhaps Colt will bring the Navy revolver back into production.

(Yes, I know that the Italians are making them.)

br549 said...

Greg Camp?
Are you the Greg Camp from Smash Mouth?

otisj said...

Too much rain Rick. Write something new. Getting bored in here. :0

Rick Baber said...

Thanx (I think) for coming to my defense Greg. That kind of thing doesn't happen often.
Otis: I'm WRITING a bunch of estimates and reports to Insurance Companies. Yer welcome to read some of those if you're REALLY bored....(8

Greg Camp said...

To br549: There have been many mouths that I have wanted to smash over the years, but I am not associated with any bands currently, and I'd be playing the drums anyway.

To Rick: Glad to be of service. My woman, Maryann (whom you know, I believe), recommended your site to me. She seems to think that we have attitudes in common. (Or perhaps it's that she wants me to rant to someone else now and then.)

Rick Baber said...

Well, hey, Greg, welcome aboard. Smashmouth or no Smashmouth. Any friend of Ms. Sunshine is a friend of mine. We'd welcome anybody else you might be able to get involved here. It's hard to keep blogs alive, for some reason. So, please feel free to invite folks you know to participate. Even if they're "bad" guys....
Hello to Sunshine for me!