Wednesday, October 29, 2008

Rick the Writer

Hello. It’s me, again — Rick the Writer. We don’t use last names around this presidential campaign anymore. Just a first name, followed by professional pursuit, because apparently, it is important that people know what you do if you are going to speak out on behalf of a candidate. Or not.

The thing is, now, the candidates want people to know that those who support them are “hard working people,” because, apparently, if you’re not “hard-working,” you’re not worth the air you’re breathing.

You can tell this because every time one of them talks they say something about “hard-working Americans.”

Writing isn’t an occupation that is generally accepted by folks as one that qualifies, so heretofore, I didn’t use it. I started to go with “artist,” but that doesn’t really bring up an image of sweat amd toil in people’s minds either. Rick the Insurance Adjuster is just too long to say and it doesn’t roll off the tongue. And, by the standards of some of my friends, “that ain’t workin.’”

Not like their jobs.

I think that’s how the whole last name thing started out, way back around the time John McCain was born. Folks would just take their profession or their locale, and make that their last name. Blacksmiths became “Smith” — “Bakers” made pies and bread. People who blew flutes or something became “Piper.” Let’s not go there with how people named Johnson came about.

“McCain,” though, came from “the son of Eoin” — the Irish form of “John.” So “John McCain” actually means “John John,” or “John, son of John.” But we can just call him John the Hero. I assume you heard about that, somewhere. Heroing is hard work, I’m sure. So John John is OK by that standard.

Caribou Barbie’s maiden name was Sarah Heath. “Heath,” means “one who came from Heath” — which is a wasteland with low shrubs.

Uh. OK.

“Palin,” by the way, means “one who came from Paliler.” Now, I’m not sure about this kids, because you know how research hurts my head, but I think Paliler is in ... France! Neither one of those tell us whether or not those folks are hard-working, so let’s just call her Caribou Barbie. Huntin’s hard work. You betcha!

I couldn’t find anything on “Obama.” So I guess there’s another reason to be suspicious of the black guy. We’ll call him “Barack the Muslim” – which means “He who definitely won’t get a rednecks vote now.”


Whattaya think? Correctomondo! Not in there either! Is there a pattern here? But we have to call him something — how about “Joe the Puppy Kicker?”

No. Puppy kicking is hard work. Better use “Joe the Gun Seizer.” That should work.

Just for fun, let’s do “Bush” — dweller at sign of the bush (usually a wine merchant); one who dwelt near a bush; and “Cheney” — one who came from Quesney, Cheney or Chenay (oak grove), in FRANCE; dweller near the chain or barrier used to close a street at night. Oddly, that makes sense. We don’t care whether or not these guys are “hard-working” anymore, because by the grace of God, they’re outta here come January 20.

Joe the Plumber’s last name is Wurzelbacher. Like Obama and Biden, that one apparently doesn’t have a meaning or known origin, but it sounds just as foreign. It is unfortunate that Joe’s real last name isn’t “Plumber,” and that may well be the reason McPalin changed it. What if “Wurzelbacher” was discovered to mean “he who bets on the dark horse?”

Safer to just stick with “the plumber.”

I just wonder, when one of these two candidates gets elected, is he going to be president of the slackers too?

You know, guys who just sit behind a keyboard, making up sentences or digital images after a dozen hours or so every day giving away somebody else’s money?

What about professional golfers? Does that qualify as hard-working? Or professional bass fishermen ... or NASCAR drivers ... or Talk Radio hosts?

What about movie stars like ... I don’t know ... Ronald Reagan (descendant of Riagan -little king)? Do Joe the Plumber or Bob the Builder or Fred the Fireman or Doug the Ditch Digger allow lazy millionaires, or people who married them, into their club?

I have this plan to win the lotto, after which I’ll probably become a world famous international playboy, like Jethro the Bodine. Jethro doesn’t do much work if you don’t count hooking up two record players to the truck so he’ll have stereo. Is he going to have a president?

For some reason, the candidates, and lots of other folk, like to pat people on the back if they get up early and go to work and keep working until late into the night and then get up and do it again. Amen.

Those who never see their own kids, because the pursuit of legal tender is the definition of being a good American.

And we all want to be good Americans. Or “great Americans,” like Sean Hannity. That’s what we’ve all had drilled into our heads for as long as I can remember. Give ’em a gold star or something, but just make sure they keep working, “like a workin’ man do.”

I’m questioning that now. Could it be that if you’re too dog-tired to do anything but work, you’re easier to control?

Just askin’.

It seems that, if a guy figures out how to survive without breaking his back and ignoring his family, he better not plant a flag in his yard. He might as well move to the wasteland with low shrubs. Or, better yet, to France.


Slacker said...

Rick! Where you been dude?
I've been wondering the same thing. Between McCain's "friends" and all the hard workin folk I'm feeling a little left out. Maybe there will be a whole bunch of new friends on Nov 5.

Anonymous said...


otisj said...

You don't write enough articles to suit me. Every day the wife and I look for your stuff in the paper and hardly ever find it. Consider doing one every week on a specific day so your fans will know when they can find it!

Hammerman said...

LMFAO here!
More! More!

countryjoe said...

mccains not so bad but if that stupid woman get elected i might move to france myself

Anonymous said...

Mr Baber,
Just wanted to drop you a note and tell you how much my husband & I enjoy your column. We appreciate your humor & wit, and look forward to reading more soon.

Rick Baber said...

Thanx kids, for your comments. I guess this wasn't partisan enough to lure too many "aginners" into the blog. But surely, some Moosequeen fan'll be pissed off about me even mentioning her name to write a Letter to the Editor.
We'll see...

Anonymous said...

Sarah Palin will be PRESIDENT of the United States in 2012. Get used to it.

Rick Baber said...

There's a nice scary thought for Halloween. Wrong. But scary just the same. BTW, IF Sister Moosequeen were to be President in '12, that would mean that McCain wins this election and dies before he finishes his term. Otherwise, the next president wouldn't take over until January 20, 2013.
So there's your Civics lesson for today, genius.

br549 said...

goodern rick. i miss jethro!

Anonymous said...

Well I guess you're happy Baber. Your guy won. You'll be crying about it in 3 months.

Don Elkins said...

Jeez, Baber, if I knew you were writing here, I'd have just cut/copied/pasted this stuff on the arkansastonight blog. Somehow I knew you were still writing...what's up?

Rick Baber said...

Dandy Don! Long time, dude.
I thought I had told you about this blog... anything you wanna cut from here, please feel free.
Howz it goin' in the big city???

Don Elkins said...

I know this'll get me spammed, but here's my mail - - same mail, same me. Drop me a line, we'll continue the conversation. Good to hear from you again!