Tuesday, April 03, 2007

LAWMAKERS GONE WILD

I just heard on CNN that Congress is on “Spring Break”. Spring Break. Is that true? Does that include the Senate too, or is it just the House? And, since when did grown-ups take Spring Break? Back in the 20’s, when I was a reluctant member of the BHS class of 1973 (correct me if I’m wrong, but) I don’t think we even got a spring break. Maybe we got off on Good Friday and the Monday after Easter, but there was none of this traveling to exotic locations for an entire week, spending big boxes full of our parents’ hard-earned money, doing all the things that our mommas took so much joy in telling the ladies down at the church that we didn’t do. No way. We were forced to do that stuff behind the Rec Hall in College Field, and, if we wanted sand and surf, down at the sandbar. It was lots cheaper, and nobody had video cameras and phones that would lead to us being exposed (literally) on a variety of internet websites the following week.

Now, I can’t help but wonder if there’s some private beach somewhere in the Caribbean, at this moment, where Maxine Waters, Blanche Lincoln, and Barbara Boxer are having one of those teddy-clad pillow fights in their bungalow while the real Teddy, John Warner, and Lindsey Graham host a keg stand out on the beach. Vic Snyder, Barney Frank and Trent Lott are locked in a hot game of Texas Hold ‘Em, and Vic’s got a side bet on Teddy K with Elizabeth Dole – who’s standing behind him in a grass skirt and a scarf, sipping a Mojito, rubbing his shoulders like Hotlips Houlihan. Everybody’s having one for themselves and one for their homey, Nancy Pelosi, who couldn’t make it this year because she’s off in Syria trying to make some new friends. Mark Pryor? He and Joe Lieberman had to skip the fun tonight to attend their identity awareness classes.

A scene like this couldn’t happen if the good ol’ US of A wasn’t in such great shape. Everything’s just peachy. Poor GWB is about as popular as a porcupine in a condom factory, and just on the verge of packing up Dick Cheney, a facemask, and a couple of shotguns and going over to Iraq to finally accomplish the mission himself – if Congress will ever come back to work and pop for his plane fare. Coach, I would guess. If he can keep Cheney focused on the target, he might be able to pull it off too, because the war has got to be just about over. I say this, after viewing some of the latest top headlines on the news websites:

1. “Fifth-graders arrested after alleged sex in class”
2. “Landlocked Mexico City opens beach” (maybe THAT’s where Congress is)
3. “Grinning woman, 24, wanted badly as bin Laden”
4. “Woman dropped on head alleges negligent dancing”
5. “Doggie yoga leaves pets twisted but relaxed”

I’m not kidding. Those are the “top” headlines. I guess the story about the cop pushing the skateboarder into a hedge couldn’t muster up all the public outrage CNN wanted, and Paula Zahn couldn’t turn it into some kind of racism issue, so they dropped it. Let’s face it, we all secretly want to push a skateboarder into a hedge.

The only other news today was that Hillary (you know, the next President of the United States of America?) raised a hundred gazillion dollars for her campaign – so if she ain’t elected, she can just buy the country; and somewhere – France, I think – there was a passenger train that went 357 mph.

When I was a kid, my grandparents lived right beside the railroad tracks in Van Buren. My cousins and I used to get in all kinds of trouble with our parents for hanging out on the trestle and putting pennies on the tracks and letting the train wheels smash them into little copper foil medallions. They told us we could derail the train by doing that. Have ya’ll ever seen a train wreck? At, what? Fifty miles an hour? Imagine what kind of a mess a handful of French cousins could make with a half dozen Euros on that track.

I hear they’re building one of those trestles from some private Congressional beach island in the Caribbean to connect to the AmTrak line in Miami, then on to Union Station in DC. They’re going to put one of those 357mph trains on it, so Congress can wait until the last minute, after the Freshman Panty Raid, to leave from Spring Break and go back to work. I also hear that, in that part of Florida, you can get five pennies for a nickel.

I’m considering a new business venture: selling little copper foil medallions in the Orlando area.

Get well soon Larry.

© 2007 Rick Baber

16 comments:

Anonymous said...

I understand Karl Rove is the featured entertainment at this year's congressional spring break.

otisj said...

Your wit and sarcasm is well taken. But really, do you think this congress is any worse than the republicans that preceded them?

Anonymous said...

Rick, you are hurting your business by your constant posts on the Ark Times blog. Most people of any means detest Brantley and his "nothing is liberal enough for me" slant. You want to get good prices for your work...stay away from that blog. People will associate you with those far left losers who post there.

Rick Baber said...

Anon,
Thanks for your kind advice. I'm sure you bring it with good intentions. But I find the readers/posters of the Arkansas Times Blog, on both ends of the political spectrum, to be among the most intelligent people I have the pleasure of interacting with.
I guess I (as well as most artists throughout the history of the world)can be counted among the "far left losers".
I consider them good company.

Anonymous said...

I'd like to know what anon means about 'people of means'? Sounds like the Times/Max irritate the exact group of people who need to be irritated out of their cozy LITTLE world. If you have to limit your world to gain acceptance, ya might want to rethink that 'club' you're trying to gain entrance to. Like you, rick, I find the Times well worth the time/effort...the humor alone is worth it!

zelda (I wasn't sure how else to do the sign-in thing)

LeftNLovinIt said...

"Most people of any means detest Brantley......"

What kind of snob asshole says something like that? I guess he/she won't get an invitation to this years goat roast at our trailer.

mrpWesident said...

At least most liberal losers have enough imagination to use some kind of handle to distinguish themselves from all the other "anonymous" posters.

Anonymous said...

Hey Ricky...I just read your latest hate comment about President Bush. If you and the rest ot the four or five far left commies who post there disagrees with him so much then I assume you sent the tax break money back to the IRS that The President gave you for the past six years. Don't say you didn't save money on your taxes compared to what you paid under Clinton. I realize the cheap made art work you pedal doesn't bring much money and you probably could have used the extra money instead of sending it back you shouda' kept it and shut up cutting the President down....humm

Rick Baber said...

Anon,
You're obviously not smart enough to read, so you must be lying.
Nor are you creative enough to attach a handle to your comment other than "Anonymous" - which doesn't lend much credibility to your art critique.
Having said that, I can see why you are a Bush supporter.

Anonymous said...

Answer the question Ricky...come on...did you or did you not send the tax cut money back? Be a big boy and admit it! You kept the money didn't you? You libs can't answer that one!!!

Rick Baber said...

Nonnie,
That is really the most ridiculously sophomoric question I have heard (even from a Bushie)in a week or so, and I feel stupid for having read it and considering an answer. But, if it'll make you feel better....
No. I didn't send back all those thousands (snort)your Connecticut Cowboy buddy saved me on lower taxes after selling my cheap made artwork. But I spent it on gasoline - which means a big chunk of it will go back into his pockets anyway.
BTW, I know you think calling me "Ricky" - in some 6th grade schoolboy bully fashion - somehow belittles or intimidates me. In fairness, I should clue you in that "Ricky" is actually my given name. Many of my family members still call me that, as do my oldest and dearest friends. So, welcome to the family, old friend.
Do you think your mama had some premonition as to what kind of person you'd turn out to be when she named you "Anonymous"? Moms are wise like that.

leftnlovinit said...

I haven't noticed any difference in my tax returns. Must be because I don't make over $150k a year like you guys obviously do.

Rick Baber said...

Right, Left.
That reminds me, I gotta take the Ferrari in today to have the ashtrays emptied.

Aspendadio said...

Your Ferrari came with ashtrays?

Dang.

Rick Baber said...

Where the hell you been, man? I mean, you buy me 'n mama one meal in Eureka Springs then disappear for another eternity. We're getting hungry again!

Aspendadio said...

Did I pay for that meal? Must have been the alcohol. And really, if I was not so busy working I would be able to retire. Man I could use some of that Eureka air about now. Alas, it remains a misty morning dream that I chase from time to time…

I moved up to some of your more current musings. -m