Monday, June 09, 2008

Barack 'n Roll Revolution

I tried to copyright (ala Stephen Colbert) that phrase, “Barack ‘n Roll”, on the Arkansas Times blog, but some smartypants pointed out to me that there’s a whole website by that name, so I was too late. Story of my life, I guess.

Here we go. Hillary has stepped aside and now the formal Republican trashing of Barack Obama begins in earnest. He’s best friends with some of the most radical leftists in the country - guys who condoned the blowing up of things in the ‘60’s. He’s a Muslim. Doesn’t wear a flag pin on his lapel. Refuses to eat apple pie. His wife hates Caucasians. His preacher’s a loudmouth. He’s going to put all the white people in chains. And the best one: He’s the AntiChrist.

I’ve received about 20 of those “antichrist” e-mails from various people who either actually believe it and are trying hard to save the world via the Internet, or they just have too much time on their hands. Considering the gems I have received from most of the same people in the past, I suspect the latter. But I won’t waste time and exacerbation of my already-arthritic fingers here trying to persuade any of you who might seriously entertain that thought of the likelihood that you are wrong. If you believe it, go ahead and send me all your good stuff, because the end is neigh and you won’t need money, cool cars, motorcycles, boats, rare coins, Cognac or artwork where you’re going. I could also use a couple of new computers. If my understanding of The Rapture – as learned from talk radio, bumper stickers on SUV’s, & TV preachers – is correct, only flag-pin-wearing Republicans will be sucked up into the sky. Guys like me, and all those poor jerks who live in other countries and/or subscribe to phony religions, will be left down here, scurrying around, siphoning what little gas is left in those abandoned vehicles, and apologizing daily to our Darth Cheney dartboards.

Of course, if Obama is indeed the boogieman, it is part of the Divine Plan that he comes to power, so all of ya’ll who are planning on voting against him for that reason might as well forget that, and get ready for the carnival ride of your lives.

It’s hard to understand how anybody could win a primary based on “change” – what with everything going so well and all. And, in case you didn’t know this, my preference for the office of President was Hillary Clinton. Not only because I thought she would make the best president, but also because I thought she would be more difficult for the right wing machine to discredit. They’ve been trying for about 16 years, and she’s still standing. It was so painfully obvious, listening to them as I do, that Obama was the preferred Democrat by Republicans, because they knew they’d have a better chance of waging a successful smear campaign against him. Little jabs, here & there, but no big punches until now. They were either waiting for Hillary to do that, or waiting for him to secure the nomination. Well, she didn’t. He did. Now it’s on, brother.

Republicans will try to cite Obama’s lack of governmental experience as a reason he shouldn’t be President. It just so happens that’s the same reason they can’t discredit him based upon what he actually did in government. (Like they can be discredited themselves.) That won’t work. People who are smart enough to figure out how to find a voting machine will realize that Dick Cheney and Donald Rumsfeld had more experience in government than any two white men in modern history, and their counsel, whispered into the ear of that cool cat dancing badly behind the big desk in the oval office has brought us to this point in the nation’s history where, if you’re really rich, everything is hunky-dory. If you’re not, you’re actually considering the prospect that everything is so bad, the end might be just around the corner. So that is the fire they will pour the fuel upon.

It’s a frenzy. A movement. A revolution! Them youngins and black folk and homos are even voting. That can’t be right. It must be the end of the world!

From the opposite perspective, I don’t believe another four years of George W. Bush (via McCain) would bring about the end of the world. Maybe just the end of the United States as a so-called “world power”. But don’t look for prophetic doomsday e-mails from me explaining how McCain fits into the boogieman role better than Barack does. I could make the case, but I don’t have time. Busy working to get money to pay $5 a gallon for gasoline, so I can keep working to buy gasoline, so oil executives and other friends of the president can retire very, very rich in November.

Expect to hear, in the next four months, some of the wildest stories you have ever heard. Clean out your e-mail boxes to make room for the incoming revelations. Like I said, believe them, if you will. I need the stuff.

© 2008 Rick Baber