Monday, January 10, 2011

For the Birds, Part Two

You know, some of this stuff, I actually don’t make up. When I saw this one on Mr. Gore’s internet, like most others I’m sure, I thought it was a gag; a ruse; a Saturday Night Live skit…but it wasn’t.

There’s an organization called “People for the American Way” (PAW) who put up a little video on YouTube of a nice lady named Cindy Jacobs making the case that the Blackbird and Drumfish deaths in Arkansas (for which I have coined the term “Avianocalypse,” but may need to revise to “Avianfishocalypse.”) may be God, showing his dissatisfaction regarding the repeal of “Don’t Ask Don’t Tell.”

As everybody knows, God has always been interested in American politics, and, apparently, not a big fan of red people.

You may ask yourself “What do dead birds and fish have to do with gays openly serving in the military?” And you may say to yourself, “This is not my beautiful fish. And this is not my beautiful blackbird!” And, you may ask yourself, “My God! What have you done?”

All you have to do is view the clip, entitled, “Jacobs: Birds Dying Because of DADT Repeal.” This lady makes such a convincing case that you’ll kick yourself for not figuring it all out sooner.

For example: The birds first fell in a town called Beebe. The governor of Arkansas is named Beebe! Also, “there was something put out of Arkansas…Don’t Ask Don’t Tell…by a former governor, Bill Clinton! And, so, could there be a connection?”
See there? Sends a chill right down your spine, doesn’t it? I mean, it’s like the Kennedy/Lincoln similarity thing! Much better than my UFO theory. I can’t make the connection between UFOs and Arkansas. Then again, I can make a connection, within six degrees, between Kevin Bacon and Arkansas! So, could Kevin Bacon be a murderer of helpless birds and fish? You decide.

Meantime, to expound on this biblical brilliance, let’s just offer up a few more points. Bill Clinton, the first black president, came up with the DADT policy. Bill Clinton was from Arkansas. Barack Obama, the second black president, is the one who repealed it. It was BLACKbirds that rained down on the town of Beebe! Not redbirds. Not bluebirds. Not yellow-bellied sapsuckers. Mike Beebe, the current governor of Arkansas, sits in (probably) the same chair that Bill Clinton sat in (sometimes) when he was governor!

The state in which Bill Clinton was governor, was part of the United States of America, and has a town called Lincoln. Abe Lincoln was also President of the United States and is known for the Emancipation Proclamation, in which he freed the slaves. The slaves, were predominately (you guessed it!) BLACK! Abe Lincoln was from Illinois, where there is a town named Clinton (zip 61313). You add those numbers together and you get 14, a one and a four. Even if you take 61 minus 31 minus 3, you get 27. Two times seven is 14! The phrase “No gays in the military” actually starts with the 14th letter of the alphabet! The video is 2:11 long. That’s 131 seconds. Thirteen plus one is 14.

Now, get this. Ms. Jacobs, in this very same video, refers to the Book of Romans (chapter 1) as the authority by which homosexuality is condemned. What verse? Yep. 27. Two times seven is 14! The number of spaces in “Book of Romans,” including spaces between letters, is 14.

Remember back (up there) when Ms. Jacobs described Bill Clinton as a “former governor”? Count the letters in that!

So, naturally, this being a biblical thing, I looked up the significance of the number 14. Here goes: Jacob worked fourteen years for his uncle Laban in order to be able to marry his daughter Rachel. The first period of seven years he allowed him to take Leah for woman, the older sister of Rachel, and after the second period of seven years, he could finally marry Rachel. And Jacob had of Rachel fourteen sons and grandsons.

I note, Jacob didn’t marry a man. But there’s no mention of blackbirds. So I decided to start with Kevin Bacon, and go the other direction. Too easy. In “Animal House” he played the role of Chip Diller, an Omega pledge who was trampled by the panicking crowd at the end of the movie. In the follow-up, “Where Are They Now” he became a born-again Christian missionary in Africa. Kenya, where Barack Obama was born, is in Africa. Barack Obama repealed Don’t Ask Don’t Tell.

I could go on and on, but what more proof do you need?

Monday, January 03, 2011

Explanation for the Birds

Here’s the first meiosis (I had to look that word up) for 2011: “Last year ended up kinda weird.” Over here in west Arkansas, we had a New Year’s Eve tornado that claimed the lives of 3 people. Three more up in Missouri. Having lived in the Natural State for over half a century, I don’t recall another tornado, ever, into the winter like that.
Then, just before midnight the same night, five thousand blackbirds dropped dead out of the sky in Beebe. A day or so later, it was revealed that 100,000 dead drum fish were discovered in the Arkansas River near Ozark. I’m still not sure as to when, exactly, those fish were supposed to have died.
So far, the Game & Fish has indicated their belief that the fish died from some kind of disease. OK. I guess that makes sense – that there’s some fish malady in the big river that only affects drum. It could happen.
But, this bird thing…it’s a mystery. After first coming out and suggesting that the blackbirds (redwings, most of them) died from the stress of year-end celebratory fireworks - then, perhaps, realizing what a totally ludicrous explanation that was – they’ve now concluded that the cause of death was some sort of blunt force trauma. You think? How high does a blackbird fly? High enough to get a knot on its head after dying, from something, and crashing to the pavement? And, just to add insult to blunt force trauma injury, they’re telling us this birdocide had nothing to do with the croaking of the drum fish. Just a coincidence. Right.
I remember a time, many years ago, when there were so many blackbirds roosting in the pines beside the Arkansas College gym that they had to bring out cannons to try and scare them away. Don’t recall any of them dying from fright, or flying into those pines, breaking their little necks, as they tried to get away. Birds are actually pretty good aviators. And I can’t recollect any 5th of July morning, after an evening when my neighborhood looked and sounded like Duhbyuh’s invasion of Baghdad, that my yard was covered with the little feathered fellers.
At first, I concocted a scenario that the blackbirds, hearing the exploding fireworks, realizing it wasn’t independence day, thought it was the shock and awe of the apocalypse and kamikazied themselves into the ground. Then the fish heard about this. Knowing the river was carrying them in that direction, they all died from anxiety. Drum fish, as everybody knows, are more emotional and socially conscious than, say, trout. They wear their little hearts on their fins.
Then, I remembered the only time I ever saw a bunch of belly-up fish floating on top of the water was back when me ‘n Bob Slisher used to sneak up to the pond around 2 am and toss lit sticks of dynamite in there. From my understanding, that’s because the explosion depletes the water of oxygen. They can’t breathe, and, since they’re not witches, they float.
Coal miners used to keep canaries in cages in the mines. If there was a methane gas leak into the “hole” the gas displaced the oxygen, and the bird dropped over dead – letting the miners know it was time to get out.
So, what do these two things have in common? I dunno. Oxygen? Is it possible that the weather conditons that generated tornadoes on New Year’s Eve, somehow, sucked the oxygen out of the sky, and also out of just the part of the Arkansas River where the drum fish were hanging out? Hey, I’m just asking.
Maybe it a suicide pact between the species? Something to do with that lunar eclipse a while back?
Can you imagine what ancient writers would have penned had they witnessed the moon turning orange, as it did, and then saw this happening?
Personally, I’m hoping that the next phenom around here is mass sightings of UFOs. Ancient Aliens freaks like myself can tie all that together and deduce that the Martians are coming for us, first killing off these critters that they suspect to be threats. It’ll make for a much more interesting story than the birds and fish both eating from some common contaminated food source. And it’ll make more sense than five thousand birds being clubbed by Sarah Palin chasing them down in a helicopter or (duh) flying into trees. And, maybe it’ll boost book sales a little.

© 2011, Rick Baber