Friday, May 10, 2019

I Concede

I remember the night, as if it was yesterday. Because, it was.

With so many other things to do, I spent it arguing with
people on Facebook, about strongly-held beliefs.  Many of
them were people I knew to be of above-average
intelligence; and it was confusing to me how we could hold
such polar opposite views on these matters of vital
importance. And there were so many of them. How could
they all be so wrong?

Then, sometime around 2 am, I had an epiphany; a rare
flash of introspection; a moment that would change my life forever.  The ceiling of my living room opened and the clouds parted and a giant, bearded old man who looked like Santa Claus peered down at me from the sky, pointing his bony, yet well-manicured finger of indignation. And the man in the sky spoke: “Rick. It’s not them. It is you. It has always been you!”

Imagine my surprise.

Sixty four years of observation – taking notes…even pictures – and, still, I had gotten it all wrong. Flunked the test. Crapped out. Flushed it all down the toilet.  Everything I thought I knew was wrong.  Because the fact that I had observed all this, myself, was insignificant compared to what I could have known if I had only read “studies” done by other people, who were not there, explaining what it was I was actually seeing.

As it turns out, it is good thing when people on the Interstate create traffic jams by holding out ‘til the last second to merge back into traffic when their lane is ending. Because, otherwise, all the money spent on having that partially-completed third lane over there was wasted. We all should know that governments hate to waste our money.  The logic is so pure. I can see it now – as clearly as Colonel Walter Kurtz could see the beauty in cutting off the inoculated arms of the little children. Our objectives should not be set on selfish, personal, petty things like getting where we want to go without being held up by traffic jams; it should be on deriving the most bang per government buck for the masses. The masses in the third lane, causing traffic jams, are clearly getting their bang – or they wouldn’t be doing that. I mean, right? It’s efficiency. All the studies say so. 

While you are sitting still in traffic that should be easing along at 70 mph, cursing those passing on your left, accusing them of creating the very problem they are going around you in order to rectify for themselves, others be-damned, what you are really witnessing is an illusion manifested in your own refusal to read the studies telling you that this is not really happening.

Shopping carts really should be left in parking spots. Otherwise, Walmart is just throwing away the money they are paying those guys to gather them up and put them back into the corrals. Body shops and insurance adjusters would have less work if not for people hitting those carts with their vehicles. The economy would suffer. And, what is the most efficient use of time for shoppers? Isn’t it just pushing that cart up to the Subaru, loading in your stuff, and leaving the cart sitting there? Don’t you have better things to do with your time than walk the thing fifty feet to put it up? Of course you do! Studies have proven this. And, because I’m telling you, here, in an article, that studies have proven it, you must trust me. So it is written.

It is to your benefit to receive multiple daily calls from people offering to help you get your student loans paid off. This information is based on an extensive 2017 study conducted by the Baltimore firm of Kleinbeck and Rosenstein (trust me) that concluded that, since people don’t exercise as they should, a daily, temporary elevation of heart rate of just 12 bpm, generated by such calls, prolongs your lifespan by an average of 9 years.  It is speculated, although not studied in detail, that these calls do not originate with scam artists, as you may think, but, in fact, with the World Health Organization, with only your well-being in mind.

Toilet paper really should roll off the back, against the wall. I haven’t read the studies on this, but it must be so, because I always thought it should roll off the front.

Drive-thru employees at McDonalds are doing good when they leave out your salt. Too much salt is bad for you, and it causes our healthcare system to be over-burdened. Then we all pay too much for doctor visits.  And, consider this: you could have gotten 15 miles down the road before you got around to salting those soggy fries. Traffic could come to a standstill on the Interstate. Because you’re salting the fries, you get boxed in, and miss the opportunity to whip out into that third lane and go around everybody else, so you can contribute to the cause of the traffic jam when you attempt to squeeze back in at the end of your lane – thereby helping those dumb center-laners to understand that they should read the studies. It’s all for the common good.

Studies have shown that people who receive helpful information like this from writers, who go to all the trouble to read the studies and then report to the public, actually benefit financially by sending “thank you” monetary donations to said writer.

  © 2019, Rick Baber