Wednesday, August 19, 2009

Tell you 'bout Machine Gun Kelly

What I’m going to do now is let you in on what is
apparently one of the most well-guarded secrets in
American politics. Ready?

Democrats don’t want to take your guns away.

Somehow, bolstered by people with right wing agendas,
the myth that Dems, if left to their own devices, will
one day kick down your doors and confiscate all of your
huntin’ rifles, has been allowed to run wild. And, in
typical Democrat fashion, nobody has just stepped up
and made the announcement that this just ain’t going to happen. It seems that the powers that be in the Democratic Party hear craziness like this, sometimes early on, but, assuming that the masses have better sense than to fall for it, they just let it go. That’s foolish – assuming the masses have better sense, I mean.

Well, what kind of position does one have to hold in the Democratic Party to officially deny this one? I mean, will I do? You can tell I’m a real Democrat, because I refer to the Democratic Party, and not the “Democrat Party”. I’ve got “O, yes we did” stickers on my cars. I created them myself. Got a long history of malicious verbal & written attacks on the loyal opposition. Have generated countless letters to the editors, and even more emails & blog rebuttals, scolding me for my tacky, often-unwarranted badmouthing of those who espouse typically rightwing views. A yeller dawg, if you will, with an indisputable resume written on re-cycled paper. And I’ve got a bunch of guns in there in my closet, and a small cannon on the headboard of my bed. What’s more, I have lots of friends (though not many where I live, here in Republicanland) who vote for Democrats and have even more firearms than I do. Nobody I know straps them on and wears them to go to the mall or take the kids to play in the park.

Nobody’s going to kick our doors down and take our guns. The difference between us and those self-proclaimed 2nd Amendment advocates who are carrying firearms to town hall meetings on healthcare is that we’re not falling for the load of crap being put forth by people who simply want to disrupt these meetings and distract from the otherwise civil dialogue that should be taking place there. One of the differences, anyway.

Let me say that I honestly believe most of these people believe their second amendment rights are being threatened. They’ve been told this by more devious people with hypnotic powers and broader political agendas, who know that these gullible ones will act up, and by doing so further spread the word. The myth. And, it’s always cool to get on TV. But, if you’ll notice, you never see Sean Hannity, Bill O’Reilly, Rush Limbaugh, Glenn

Beck, or the cast of Fox News packing heat at any of the events they attend. They leave that little task to their minions.

The argument that one brings a gun to an event such as this simply because they have the right to do so doesn’t really wash.. OK. You have the right. Nobody has said anything to the contrary, especially here, where the topic is healthcare. But why do it?

What do you suppose would happen to a “First Amendment advocate” who showed up at some GOP-sponsored town hall concerning, say, prayer in school, who stood up during the discussion and started shouting all of those words George Carlin made famous for not being mentionable on TV? Over & over. Just kept on shouting. Is that freedom of speech? Does that guy, however idiotic, have a constitutional right to do that? Well, probably so. But that wouldn’t keep him from being tasered, bro, and dragged out of there by his ears. Probably arrested. Convicted, for whatever charges they could make stick. Or, maybe, even shot by that guy with the 9 strapped on his hip. Would it?

It is not “patriotic” to cause additional work and concern for law enforcement officials who are there to perform their already-difficult jobs. Why do they hate cops? Just a suggestion, but maybe instead of a sub-machine gun, these patriots could carry a little flag.

Well, of course, they’re not going to pay attention to any suggestion made by me, because carrying a flag would be contrary to their true purpose. And that wouldn’t’ get them on TV. But, these gun-toters should know that, as more & more of them show up at these events, they’re going to become less newsworthy, and eventually rendered insignificant. The only way to be sure to make the news is to, somehow, stand out in that crowd. Try this. Ignore those red and green laser dots you see occasionally appearing on your chest. Reach down there, un-strap that bad boy and pull it out of the holster. If you find yourself still breathing, shoot it up in the air like the real cowboys did in Dodge City.

Now you’re on the news!

© 2009, Rick Baber

Thursday, August 13, 2009

Here's to your Health

Watching the Healthcare Town Hall Riots on TV, it’s
pretty obvious that there is a fair number of people in
this country that think such things are too important to
be left to the government. They could be right. What’s
the government ever done for the citizens? Everybody
knows, here in our capitalistic society, that it is private
enterprise that truly cares about the people.

Matter of fact, I’d go so far as to say that the only reason
for a national government at all should be to protect our
borders and print money. So, while we’re keeping that
meddlesome uncle out of our examining rooms, let’s get serious about this and kick ‘em out of all the other activities they seem to want to get their greedy hands into.

Food inspection comes to mind. What business does Big Brother have dictating to us what kinds of bacteria and such goes into our vittles? If a man raises hogs in garbage and a few folks get sick & die from eating his bacon, the market will determine whether or not that hog farmer stays in business. If people don’t want to get sick eating that pork, then they’ll quit buying it from that guy, and he’ll go out of business. Simple as that. Then, when he doesn’t have any form of income, he’ll be forced to get a decent job, because we’re kicking the Gov out of the unemployment business too.

If Mr. Pigfarmer can’t find another job (because there will be lots of people looking), he can become a thief, or a robber, or just shrivel up and expire before we let the government give him food stamps or welfare. He should have run an honest pig farm to begin with, and, frankly, we’re better off without him. His demise will further discourage other pig farmers from making people sick with their tainted pork chops.

Now, what becomes of his wife & kids? Well, they get off their spoiled fat ham hocks and get out there and get themselves some jobs too. It’s for their own good. If they were to get sick they’re going to have to pay whatever the going rate is for medical care, or they’re going to find themselves taking untimely dirt naps. Unless, of course, they turn to lives of crime to pay for their meds.

There’s another matter. Why should our hard-earned tax dollars go to pay the salaries and expenses of government-dole jobs like firemen and cops? Every house in America has a faucet and access to a water hose. If you want extra protection, hire somebody to stand outside and come runnin’ when you call. Maybe the rest of us don’t care if the place burns down. So why should we pay for your piece of mind? And why should a big tough guy pitch in to pay some cop to keep you frail little weasels from getting beat up by roving gangs of disgruntled, unemployed, mad cow-infected thugs? You’ve got a good

job, working for that private healthcare insurer who made billions in profits last year. You can afford your own personal bodyguards. That pig farmer’s oldest boy is a big ol’ strappin’ corn-fed lad, and I guarantee you he’ll work cheap.

Speaking of “cheap”, what’s the big deal about this “minimum wage” law? If Mr. Pig’s younger kids are willing to clean your jack boots and sew the cute little armbands on your brown uniforms for a dollar a day, then the gub’ment’s got no business telling you that you have to pay them more. They don’t know anything about running a business.

Am I right about this?

Sure I am. We all know it. This great country was built on rugged individualism and the entrepreneurial spirit, and nowhere in our rich history is there any record of the evil entity we call “government” doing anything of any benefit to we, the people. All they want to do is control us. You know, like they do with “laws” and “courts”. And the irony is, they charge us (via taxes) to pay for this. Why do we need the government to create and administer laws and run the courts? Surely, those are pursuits that some corporation, having only our best interests at heart, would be willing to undertake for a reasonable fee. Then, when they convict the accused, they can sentence them to hard labor in their sister company’s prison, or “draft” them into their other sister company’s army to fight our wars for us. What bigger and more serious business is there than war? You want to leave that in the bumbling hands of those bureaucrats in Washington? I think not!

We know for a fact that there are companies out there willing to pay pretty good wages to their employees do our warring. In his wisdom, our last president tried to utilize this service to cut down on the taxpayer expense to the lesser-paid “government” military. Of course he was stopped by the same socialists who are trying to suck up healthcare and every other should-be private enterprise into some kind of massive federal takeover of pretty much everything.

Finally, I also agree with the crack political team on The Daily Show that these “Death Panels” proposed by our Nigerian-born President should be made up of corporate citizens, rather than government employees. This way, we’ll be sure to get the best available people to decide which grandmas are the least likely to purchase the goods and services that made this the greatest county in the world, and pull the plugs on the right folk.

We’re on the righteous track, people! Keep yelling and screaming and pretending you’re total nimrods, and don’t allow anybody who wants to change this perfect healthcare system we have any opportunity to present their “rational” explanations. The good book warned us about the tree of knowledge. If we realize we’re naked, the next thing you know, the government will be wanting to clothe us. We don’t want none of that ‘round here.

© 2009, Rick Baber

Tuesday, August 04, 2009


Have you ever seen that TV show “To Catch a Predator”?

Sure you have. It’s the “Dateline NBC” specials with
Chris Hansen, where they have these online fake teenie-
boppers set up old pervs who cruise the Internet looking
for young victims to help them fulfill their twisted carnal
fantasies. Apparently there are a lot more of those guys
than any of us might like to think.

Some decoy gets on a chat room and hooks up with the
sicko, and convinces him that they are, say, a 13 year old
girl who is willing and ready to do unspeakable things
with just any old fat guy that they have never even met. It just so happens that her parents are away for the weekend, and the “kid” eventually sets up an appointment time for the guy to come to her house and play. When he gets there, Chris Hansen pops out and, in entertaining fashion, informs the guy that his intentions are all on film and broadcast on national TV. So, whatever kind of life the predator had is ultimately toast. But that’s not the end of it – because when the pervert walks out of the house he is immediately nabbed by a bunch of cops, handcuffed, and hauled off to the pokey, where he can experience somebody else’s fantasy.

The whole concept seems like pure justice to me, because there is no doubt as to the intentions of these men. But I cannot help but to wonder how any of this is legal, and I cannot fathom how all of them aren’t acquitted using an “entrapment” defense.

Let’s be clear. I’m not defending these guys. If it was me, and if it wasn’t against the law to devise such a plan, I’d have something more violent and illegal waiting for them when they walked into this set-up. And when, or if, they walked out, they would no longer possess the equipment required to conduct the activities they have in mind. But, sooner or later, it would be me that ended up in jail, because even in nabbing criminals there are some laws that have to be followed.

It’s just that when I get a question like this in my head, I can’t rest until I get some kind of satisfactory answer.

First of all, these aren’t really even kids. They are adults, posing as kids. So the culprit, even though he thinks he is, isn’t even communicating with somebody under-age. When he gets to the house he is invited in by the decoy, who is, in fact, an adult. There aren’t even any kids in the house. Can you arrest and imprison somebody for what they are thinking?

What about those wackos on HBO who dress themselves or their partners up in diapers and play with rattles and lollipops when they…you know…do what they do? What goes on in their heads has to be some kind of a crime. But you don’t see them getting dragged off barefooted to the big house in their little bonnets.

Here’s another analogy. You don’t like the jerk who lives down the street. You know he’s inclined to smoke a little weed now and then, and you come up with a plan to sell him some and get him popped. (Who’s the jerk?) You arrange a meeting where you have several cops and videographers hiding in the bushes; meet him there; and exchange a plastic bag of oregano mixed with cat litter for a hundred bucks. As soon as the exchange is made, six cops jump out and slam him to the ground, and load him up into the paddy wagon.

That guy thought he was buying marijuana, which, as you may know, is illegal. But he purchased cooking spice (and whatever cat litter is), which are not. Did he commit an actual crime? Will he end up in jail for it?

How ‘bout this one? There has been just too much speeding on the local by-pass. Somehow, law enforcement manages to get all your automobiles and tamper with the speedometers – setting them so that they register 15 mph faster than the car is actually traveling. You’re zipping down the interstate at what you think is 80 miles an hour, but you are, in fact, going only 65, on a 70 mph highway. Clearly, your intention is to speed. Lawbreaker! Which little box is going to be checked on that ticket? Can you be fined?

Or this. Say you’ve been making enemies of the wrong people, and you have discovered that one of them plans to (gulp!) assassinate you. Through some clever means you manage to set up a “Blazing Saddles” sort of fake scene out in the desert. Sitting there in a rocking chair is a spitting-image plastic replica of you, reading the latest Harry Potter book. Up in the rocks, two hundred yards away, the sniper is looking through a high- powered scope. The little laser dot appears on your head and the assassin squeezes the trigger. Boom! The cops jump out of their hiding places and drag the shooter down. What is he arrested for? Murder? Attempted murder? Destruction of private property?

This is fun, and I could go on with these scenarios all day. I won’t. Just hoping here that some legal scholars out there will think this over (for free) and let me know their thoughts concerning how this “perverted justice” bunch makes the charges stick on these astonishingly stupid would-be child predators.

Then I can find something else to wonder about.

© 2009, Rick Baber