Wednesday, August 15, 2007

Polysatire Boy does Medical Research

Sometimes in the summer, when the air is still and the traffic’s as thick as Mississippi mud, and the asphalt’s cracklin’ like bacon in a pan, ol’ Rick Baber just looks Mother Nature in the eye and grins and spits and says “’Is that all you got?”

Then the fire ants carry him away to a cool dark hole where he can rest.

Hi kids! Miss me? I apologize for my conspicuous absence, but me ‘n mama have been tied up for about six weeks developing enough art to fill up the new Pinnacle Bank in Rogers, Arkansas. If you get a chance, go check out our website and see what we’ve been working on: We’d be proud to see you there.

But I’m not here today to write about art. Not here to chat about the weather. Muy caliente – as we say in Chickendale. I’m not even going to tick off my ol’ buddy Randy Tovey or that guy up in Cushman by writing nasty things about the guv’ment. This piece is dedicated to doing some serious research on a subject that has been on my mind for about 30 years. And I’m hoping you can help. I’m not a doctor. Don’t even play one on TV. But, my brother’s a doctor, so that’s qualification enough. Same gene pool. So here goes.

In my half century on this lovely blue planet I have known many people who have died from inoperable brain tumors. The best I could tell, these people had only two things in common: they knew me; and they all had dark hair and dark eyes. Perhaps it’s some form of denial, but I just refuse to believe that knowing me had anything to do with the untimely demise of any of these people. That leaves only the “dark hair & dark eyes” thing.

This subject has haunted and fascinated me, as I said, for about three decades. About 8 years ago, I offered up on one of my websites the theory that there was some correlation between the features described and this terrible malady. I received correspondence from maybe a couple dozen readers, and none of them had ever known of anybody to die from such a brain tumor who didn’t have dark hair and dark eyes. Of course, initially, there were those who thought they could present exceptions.

“My Aunt Sally died of a brain tumor, and she had gray hair.” Her natural hair color, as it turned out, was black.

“A friend in college died from a brain tumor and she had green eyes.” That person later wrote back to inform me that she had discovered that her friend wore contacts and actually had brown eyes.

Not one verifiable exception from that limited sampling group was given.

Now, I admit that was no scientific survey, but it piqued my interest even more. I decided that, when I had access to a larger audience, I would continue the study.

So, you’re it. Can you help a brudder out?

If you have ever known of anyone who died from an inoperable brain tumor, could you contact me with some details? Anything you could provide would be appreciated, but particularly the eye color and natural hair color of the deceased.

I don’t know if anything will come of it, other than satisfying the curiosity of this anal retentive writer, but I do know I’d appreciate any information you can offer.

Please respond to my website:; or by e-mail to

© 2007 Rick Baber


Anonymous said...

How you doing Rick?
I know one of the two dark- haired- eyed deceased that your know — TS. God rest her lovely soul.
You're onto something much larger than tumors. Tumors are bullies. I'm looking for a dark-eyed chess master.
Farmer Ted.

Rick Baber said...

TAS indeed. One of my favorite people of all times. And my cousin Nathalie - another fair-skinned, dark-haired, dark-eyed beauty, about the same age, who followed her only a few years later. Those two are actually the ones that got me started on this quest. I tell ya, there's something to it.

Anonymous said...

I'm no expert either but I think you should re-examine the possibility that they all died just from knowing your dumb liberal ass.

Rick Baber said...

Then, Anon, we should meet.

Anonymous said...

Your Anon adversary fancies herself a Republican? I know who she is. Would it spoil things for your to know. — Farmer Ted.

Rick Baber said...

Naah. I can take the jabs.

It's Wednesday morning and, as far as I know, the article still hasn't been printed in the Batesville Guard. Maybe they fired me. So, not much response other than e-mails from my "Focus Group" - who get the article whether it goes in the paper or not. So far, 3 have replied, all with experience with people with brain tumors. All the subjects had dark hair and dark eyes. I'd sure like to hear more. I hope this one makes the paper and opens up access to about 10K more people than this little blog alone does.

Anonymous said...

Hey Rick,
Your anon adversary has at some point been exposed to an Associated Press Style Manual. She also has a yeast infection, but I'm not supposed to know that.
Anyhow, how's things going for you with the Guard? You're nearing legend status. My wife loves you.
Things are achangin' at The Baxter Bulletin and it may be a good time to appoach them about picking up your column. Tell them you know me.

Anonymous said...

Thanx for the tip Ted. And thanx to your lovely wife for having such remarkable taste. I'll do that thing with the Baxter Bulletin.
The Guard? I'm not sure. I never hear much from anybody there, and I never know whether or not they print the column unless/until somebody from Batesville calls or sends me an e-mail, or checks in here at the blog - or they send me a check.
Yeast infection? Really!

Anonymous said...

I have known 3 people who died from brain tumors. All had black hair and brown eyes. This is interesting.