FIVE THINGS I LEARNED OVER THE HOLIDAYS

#5. Cats are flammable. Who knew? I told Skinnykitty to stay out of my lap when I’m working on the computer, but it’s like he doesn’t listen or something. I know it’s a bad habit, but I like to have the occasional cigarette while at my desk. (You can do that when you work from your house….for now, anyway.) He doesn’t smoke, as a rule. A little spark fell off as I reached around him to get to the keyboard, and, next thing I knew there was that same smell as when Sheila sat Terry Horn’s hair on fire in the back seat of my Mustang in front of Ray’s Corner on Main Street. Skinnykitty got a little more excited than Terry did, but I got him put out OK before he bolted out of the room.

#4. That Oprah Winfrey must have some stroke. I don’t watch daytime TV since Bo & Hope sailed off to parts unknown with a newborn baby around 1980. It just made that whole show seem somewhat unbelievable. I do keep CNN on while I’m in my office, but I don’t consider that TV. Anyway, I guess I just wasn’t aware of the power a “personality” like Oprah could wield. Snatched a for-sure Iowa victory away from Hillary and gave it to a black guy with a Muslim middle name – in IOWA, of all places. Iowa folk are different, Ms. Gump. Has anybody noticed whether or not they’re all driving new Pontiacs? Personally, I have no problem with Obama, and I’m sure he’ll get my vote if he gets the nomination. But, did I mention that he won in Iowa? Iowa? Isn’t that the same place where the Huckinator won for the bad guys? Seems odd, that’s all.

#3. Red Bull doesn’t really give you wings. But it’ll sure keep a whole bunch of obnoxious drunks awake a lot longer than anybody else wants them to be. Seems this is the new thing – mixing alcohol with energy drinks. In the old days, it was sort of rule-of-thumb that when somebody got slobbering stupid, you just kept giving them drinks until they finally passed out and quit annoying people. Now, with our wonderful advances in science, we can look forward to hours of enjoyment from these hardcore partiers with amazingly bad taste buds. Thanks, food science people. Next New Years, is there anybody with your organization I can call to drive these folks home? My upholstery can’t take it again. Is that Red Bull thing, by chance, a trend in Iowa as well?

#2. If God intended for lights and decorations to be on trees and houses, they’d come that way. It might be different for you, but I don’t put those stupid things up because I’m overwhelmed with “holiday spirit”, or because I’m just plain fascinated with colored lights. As I’ve gotten older, it takes a little more than that to retain my attention. The only reason I do it is because the kids get ticked if I’m the only one on the block who doesn’t light up. And they don’t even live here. Putting them up is bad enough, but then – unless you’re a redneck girl – you have to take them down. Then, you’ve gotta box ‘em up and carry them back up to the attic on Sunday when you should be in your office, working on art prints and writing columns, trying to keep from setting the cat on fire.

And, the number 1 thing I learned over the holiday season? Global Warming is going to kill us all. I don’t necessarily believe that, but if I have to listen to some redneck Republican mocking Al Gore every time it gets cold outside, I can sure as hell give it back when I have sweat dripping down my nose as I take down the Christmas lights, in a tee-shirt, on January 6. Whatever it is – whether it’s caused by cows passing gas, or volcanoes, or burning cats – this just ain’t right. I mean, I dig it, but it’s strange. If it would stay 70 degrees until Spring, then turn off pretty, that would be fine with me. But they say storms are coming tomorrow. That means I’ll have to shut the windows and let the cats back in.

Happy New Year, ya’ll.


© 2008 Rick Baber